I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
