Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
