don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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