Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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