there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
