Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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