My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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