I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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