thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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