I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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