I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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