When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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