How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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