My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
