the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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