Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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