The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
