Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
