my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
