OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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