So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
