I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize