my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
