I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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