sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
