We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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