My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
