I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
