I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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