Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
