its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
