I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
