remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
