I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
