I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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