you would pick up someone in the library
it glows. i had to have it.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
