There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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