Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
