you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
