Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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