i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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