1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
