just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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