wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
