I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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