Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
