I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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