I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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