The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
