Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
