Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
