There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
