Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
