Just took my morning after pill in the library
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
