her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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