I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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