I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
