On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
