She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
